Mentally Incontinent - A Joe The Peacock Book
Hilarious writing! Poke around for a few and tell me you didn't (at least once) laugh out loud.l
This online (and print!) magazine is a true gem - the publish "found" items - photos, notes, even wayward voicemail messages that you come across in daily life....stuck under a windshield, crumpled up on your lawn, or left in the laundromat. Personally, I found the pictures to be humorous, but the absolute nuttiness written on the notes and shopping lists really raised the bar.
(and don't forget, most of these people *vote* too!)
Cockeyed.com: Always bring your camera
Ok, this site has a lot going for it. Photos, humor, science, pranks - what more could you ask for? Roam around and take a quick ride on this guys life adventure...inspirational.
Some favorites:
Fishing Alien
Random street chairs
How much gold in Goldschlager?
How long is a package of Ramen Noodles?
Paparazzi Costume
The ORIGINAL Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products
Here you have it....the illustrated catalog of ACME products from all those years of cartoon watching -
This is a clip from the David Letterman Show - during a commercial break - where our wonderful President thought it would be ok to clean his eyeglasses using one of the producer's sweaters -- that she was wearing and had her back to him! Manners, manners, George W.
For many students, the downfall of learning physics and other sciences comes about when performing conversions.....to help you out, here's a list of some useful (if uncommon) equalities:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Totally Absurd Inventions & Patents, America's Goofiest Patents
Strange and ridiculous patents. Do these people really think that they might make a buck off of these?
Of note:
Toilet Snorkel - granted, it actually has *some* merit
Leaf Chaps - Alert! We now have leafblowers!
Toilet Timer - I'll take my sweet time, thank you.
Someone has a crazy mind and they've put it to use in Photoshop. Animals crossed with animals. Animals crossed with people. Animals crossed with inanimate objects. Fun.
Couchbike by the Bicycle Forest Inc.
Mom, can I have a couch bicycle for my birthday? It's the best thing since sliced bread!
Seriously, check out this tandem, leatherette loveseat that went touring across the Maritimes of Canada.
The waters of the Great Flood were receding, and Noah had beached his Ark. The animals were leaving, and he sent them off with the words:
"Go forth and multiply."
Then he heard a plaintive voice from below:
"We can't -- we're Adders."
Noah pondered this dilemma. Struck by sudden inspiration, he said "Follow me!" and led the two snakes down into the ship's galley.
The labor of building the ark had consumed all of Noah's time prior to the flood, and he had mere hours to provide interior furnishings. The crude table made of unfinished tree limbs that graced the galley was one of the few accommodations on board the ark. He carefully pried it loose from the deck to which it had been hastily nailed 40 days ago, and presented it to the snakes with a flourish saying,
"Here. Even adders can multiply on a log table."
Did you ever want to take over the world? Have minions to do your dirty work? Ideas are great, but you really need a great plan to make them all come together....introducing the "Evil Plan Generator"
At the click of a button, your next evil plan will be unveiled!!
"Dishonest Dubya" Lying Action Figure
George W. Bush animated action figure! Get one today -
14 Authentic Quotes Included! Hear them all!
How Can I Prevent Internet Electrocution?
Are you teaching your children about the dangers of the Internet? What steps are you taking to ensure your family is safe? It is important to be aware of the risks because the threat of Internet electrocution is more probable than you realize.
What most people don't realize is that the Internet runs on electricity....
The Inscrutable 8-Ball Revealed
What's really inside of a Magic 8 Ball. No other sensible explanation necessary.
Another great animation by Mark Fiore who I've mentioned before. Maybe Dick Cheney should look for another line of work....other than getting an inside track for government contracts...
This guy turned his cube (as in office cube) into a little house, all decorated up for Christmas. Fun.
Also the Slashdot Commentary is pretty funny.
"I for one do not think that this is "cool." This is the sort of rampant individualism(1) that can create havoc in an office. This is the sort of thing that happens when they let people post comics outside of their cubicles."
"Not only that, the ornaments hanging off the eve's are a clear OSHA violation. I sure the paper used is a fire hazzard. Did you get a building permit? I thought not. Oh, your woes have only just begun! "
How the world works by way of two cows.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
LIBERTARIAN
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
You feed the world.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CAPITALISM
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CAPITALISM
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CAPITALISM
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CAPITALISM
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows."
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children."
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
the Creatures in my Head. / Daily illustrations by Andrew Bell
I made a note to myself quite a few months ago to review this website - and I'm so glad I did. Andrew Bell has an amazing imagination and a great ability to put those thoughts into little monster drawings. He also has a nice set of wallpaper and icons. It's great when someone grows a business out of the bizarre thoughts in trapped in the head.....
RULES OF THE LAB
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way
each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it. (Law of Spontaneous Fission)
Thanks to the Denver Mad Scientists mailing list for this one.
Blogjam presents: Neil Armstrong - The Truth
In 1969, did Neil Armstrong really utter the (now cliche) phrase "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." ?
Or was that a quick editing job, due to the conversation that truly played out....
Don't drink coffee (or anything else) while trying to listen to this. You've been warned...
Head over to this link to rate your geekiness. I ran through the test and came up with a rating of 42.80079% = Major Geek which really isn't all that surprising.
I did notice however, that I think the test is slightly skewed towards a younger geek, of maybe 5 years my junior. (in their mid-20s)
Anyone else care to post their Geek Factor?
Some wise-ass humor that Ken pointed me towards....
Why the hell did the chicken cross the road? Find out below with answers from famous people!
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
more....
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANZ BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraqi ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
Why? To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can
you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads
for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
The Car Talk guys (Click and Clack) had a poll about practical jokes a while back, and then compiled some of the best ones into a list to inspire the rest of us!
What was your best practical joke? Let me know....
Episode 701 - I'm A Little Bit Country
Let's just quote South Park for a moment:
Cartman: I learned somethin' today. This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers the world has ever seen. And they knew one thing: that a truely great country can go to war, and at the same time, act like it doesn't want to. [a shot of the crowd] You people who are for the war, you need the protesters. Because they make the country look like it's made of sane, caring individuals. And you people who are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers, because, if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft pussy protesters, we'd get taken down in a second. That's why the founding fathers decided we should have both. It's called "having your cake and eating it too."
Randy: He's right. The strength of this country is the ability to do one thing and say another.
Skeeter: Yeah, but... if it weren't for all you guys protesting, why everyone around the world would hate the American people instead of just the President.
Gerald: And if it weren't for you people flexing your arms, America could easily get taken over by terrorists or... or China.
(from a forwarded email)
Here's the plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini and the rest of them 'good old boys'. We will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides' most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if any anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.